Growing up we were all taught that telling the truth is the right thing to do, and that to "lie" will get you in trouble. I am no saint. And I am no devil either. But I was forced in a situation where I had to live in an alternate universe. A universe where I was someone completely different. The total opposite of who I am. "Forced into it" maybe a strong word you may think, but consider this. You always want to say the truth but you are subject to emotional abuse, every single time you try, you end up in an argument, because one of you in this dialog refuses to hear the truth for whatever reason. So you start not saying the entire truth, you withdraw information to soften the blow. But still the other party refuses to hear this truth. After a while, you see that your situation is hopeless and you revert to a twisted reality where lies is better than the truth.
I have researched that 87% of women who are emotionally abused, escape to an alternate "pretend" lifestyle. To escape the fear, the hurt, the bad feeling in their stomach when ever they encounter this abusive situation. Some women resort to self infliction, eating disorders, substance abuse or the worst, suicide.
The most difficult part of this situation is knowing that the person that has hurt you over and over is supposedly the one you expect to keep you safe, protect you and nurture you. I have resorted to the lies. I have been the person I despise, in the desperation to get the respect, admiration and probably "love" you slowly lost in the midst of the fear, the heartache and the pain.
At first it might have been intentional to spite the other person, but in the end... it was something you couldn't control, you slowly got your "high" from this alternate reality or lifestyle.
The fucked up part is, being exposed, laying bare, naked , human. You expect the anger and the resentment full force, but you wish to be understood too at that same time. You are asked to explain but you can not because you are engulfed in fear. You try to talk but your throat feels like its about to explode. You are judged, humiliated and called despicable names. You sit there and take it. You secretly are relieved to be caught because this situation might actually end your suffering.
Its funny how things started, because the ballooning lie that blew up in your face was the result of the lies you were told all these years.
You now have a choice to make things right or live in another life of lies. The humiliation consumes you and re-kindles the guilt feelings.. The things that hurt most is the hurtful words that can never be erased.. you are scared for life... wounded in the first place by the avoidance to hear the truth, gashed and bruised by the accumulation of lies, cut and bled by the exposure of your frail humanity and scared for life by the piercing words that came from the mouth of the person whom you trusted and loved.
This maybe a different time, place and different characters, but the cycle will continue.. there will always be refusal to hear and face the truth, there will always be lies, and surely broken spirits, hearts and lives in the process.
My hope is for people in relationships should keep the lines of communications open. Speak the truth to save you from lies.
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